As far as stories go, mine isn’t very interesting. But if you’re buying, I’ll take a whiskey, neat.
I feel like with an introduction like that the scene should fade to black and white and I should be wearing a fedora. Instead I’m lounging in ancient fleece pajama pants and a tee-shirt from 1990. But just imagine a classic film noir setting, the ambiance will make my whinging more bearable.
In my last post I mentioned my run in with depression and her call girl, melancholy. Well as I said, lately I’ve been in a fairly melancholic state of mind, dipping my toes into depression but deciding that the water is too cold to fully jump in. Which is undoubtedly good. But a side effect of the depression is that I suddenly turn into a lame version of Tyler Durden. However, instead of an anarchist spree of liberation, I just don’t sleep. And I drink a lot of coffee. So right now I’m currently in the midst of an insomnia fueled bender. It’s not that bad yet. I’ve slept at least 12 hours since Friday. When it gets bad that number becomes golf score small. But I’m still feeling the effect of 3-4 hours of sleep a night. The slurred speech, the inability to string together cohesive sentences and thoughts, the blood shot eyes that look like I do loads of drugs, the listlessness and apathy and exhaustion. The staring off into space and feeling slight vertigo, as though I’m standing aboard a gently rocking ship. The point where my eyes glaze over and I think I’m going to pass out, but then I blink and refocus my eyes and just feel a bit lightheaded. Basically, I look like and feel like shit.
So there’s some of the framework around my gloriously dispassionate mental state. Basically this should serve as a frame of reference as I update you on some of my past problems. You see, I’m married, happily (most of the time), but my husband has that thing where unless it’s happening to him or effecting him directly, he really can’t be bothered to care. So for three long years as I forced myself to sleep and get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and put on clothing and go to work and “smile” and “laugh” and go through all the motions of normalcy, he really couldn’t understand. When I came to him crying that I needed to see a doctor that I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts, he told me I needed to eat better and exercise more, that I actually enjoyed being miserable. Told me that. After I told him I needed to be put on something to fix my brain chemistry, he told me to dust off the elliptical. He told me that psychiatric medicines were dangerous. Yeah, at that point I was long past being fixed by exercise. I had no intention of being on an antidepressant for any longer than I had to be. I’ve been on one before, for about 6 months, and my doctor told me how to wean myself off of them when I felt ready. But because I was in such a bad mental place, instead of saying “screw you” and going to the doctor anyway, I went “well I guess you’re right” and didn’t get help. And instead of my mental health being resolved in a matter of months on an antidepressant, I went through months and years of the worst time in my life, ever.
He’s also not exactly affectionate, well, not in the way I wanted/expected. Back when we were newlyweds I wanted to cuddle with him and he flat out said it was a waste of his time. So over the past 10 years I’ve been slowly building walls and barricades around my heart, pulling away from him. I know online I make him sound like a complete winner, but believe me, the negatives do not out weigh the positives. It’s just that for my purposes of you understanding me, you have to be aware of the negatives and that the negatives did effect me. I’d say that 90% of the time things are great between us – I mean, no couple is happy 100% of the time, it doesn’t happen. It took me a while to see how he shows affection and he does a lot of little, “hey I was thinking about you” things and vocalizes his affection, and I know that now, but back when first got married I wasn’t so familiar with his nuances. But again, this is all backstory.
I’m going to break this up a bit. There’s a lot to tell, and I need some time to sort through it all so I’m going to put this part out into the world now and my next post will pick-up a few months ago…