Oh, in all of my plaintive lugubriosity I failed to mention that I love video games and fandoms and nerdy stuff like that. You can skip this if you don’t care, just slide on down the page.
The title of this post references an old PS2 game called Katamari Damacy. Basically, the premise of the game is that one day your dad, the King of all Cosmos, got drunk and broke all the stars and then he assigns you, the shockingly diminutive Prince, to take a katamari (generally translated as “clump of stuff”) and roll up all the shit on earth to make new stars. You know, shit like push pins and paper clips and cats and bushes and people and trees and buildings and mountains. Screw the earth and humanity, the universe needs more stars.
All I’m gonna say is that I think Japan must have awesome drugs, but judge that for yourself:
Mmmhmm, they were absolutely not dropping acid or doing mushrooms when they designed this game. Absolutely not. Ahem. So anyway, I figure my adenosine receptors are so full of caffeine that my my dad, the notoriously hard to please King of all Cosmos, would say, “!!! We are moved to tears by the sheer size of this thing. This is so incredible! Happy, happy, so happy. We want to turn it into a star right now!” Because that’s what happens. The caffeine clogs the receptors, the brain goes, oh… damn… I guess we should make more? And then I drink more caffeine to not feel like a zombie and a horrible ouroboros of caffeinated clogged receptors occur – to my detriment.
And this folks, is the part where we learn that metaphors are less effective when you have to explain them out.
TL:DR – pick up here if you skipped ahead.
So anyway, where did I leave off last time? Oh yes, this:
So finding out that the only thing he’s been diagnosed with was stress related anxiety, I’m pretty furious. But more on that later.
So, this leaves melancholic me in a precarious position. I’m trying to help support him and keep myself together. I’ll go more into my personal demons next time. But right now, I feel like I’m clinging desperately to the side of a buoy, trying not to slip off and drown.
So B has quit his job. I have mixed feeling about this change. On the positive side, he was working with his mother who is emotionally abusive, so not being under her mood swings and censure is bound to be a healthy move for him. I’ve been wanting him to leave working with her since the beginning. I’m pretty sure she’s either a psychopath or has narcissistic personality disorder. Or both. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least. She absolutely does not care about anyone around her unless it directly effects her or her livelihood. That includes berating, belittling, putting down, calling hurtful names to B the day after she went with him to the doctor to be tested for auto-immune diseases. Nice, right? So for him to get away from her will be hugely beneficial to his mental health. The day she went off on him, his body ached and he couldn’t let it go for three or four days. He’s got one of those complexes where all he wants is her approval and love, and is willing to sacrifice his own personal happiness to kowtow to her whims and needs because he thinks maybe, just maybe, she’ll offer him the praise or maternal affection that in 35 years of life he’s never been able to get from her. I’ve told him he needs to let it go because it’s never gonna happen, but damned if every time I say that she doesn’t indulge him with some sort of praise that just gets his hopes up all over again.
On the negative side, he was making pretty good money working that job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for his quitting. I think it’s the best thing to come out of this whole debacle. But the financial hit is very real. I’ll be increasing my workload by some 10 hours (I work about 40-50 on average), so I’ll be working 50-60 hours a week and it’s not going to touch the deficit created by his quitting his job. My problem is that with my melancholy, I tend to grow extremely apathetic. So, I have a very difficult time getting up and putting one foot in front of the other to work a job I’ve grown to loathe. What’s worse is my boss really doesn’t care. So long as there is a body in the store, I mean… So I sit at work and don’t do anything because I know he won’t fire me – he doesn’t fire hardly anybody – and it just fuels my apathy. I could take initiative and do projects, but all that gets me is more bullshit to do and no pay raise. If my boss isn’t going to reward his employees for doing a good job and he’s not going to give consequences to the ones fucking up, what motivation do i have to actually work? So I don’t. That’s not my usual m.o. though, I like seeing results and doing projects and being useful. But at this company, the owner really doesn’t care about his business making money, so if he can’t be bothered to do things in a beneficial way, I sure as hell won’t. I’ve done that. All it got me was frustration in that I could see plainly how to make things more efficient and profitable, but he won’t listen to anyone else. We still hand write out receipts because that saves time and is not at all antiquated. I do have decent 10-key though from using adding machines so frequently.
So now I find myself having to work more hours at a job that doesn’t pay a living wage to make up for B’s missing income. He’s still going to work (at the same shitstore I do), just not as much or doing the job he was. I do work a second job, at a dance studio, and I love that. But even there, they downsized the studio so the numbers of classes I can teach have been reduced. Teach at another studio? I just can’t. I’ve done it before and it makes me miserable. I love where I’m at and when your life is pretty lackluster, you embrace the things that make you genuinely happy. We tried applying for a home loan, but because of the bank crisis a few years back, getting a home loan almost impossible. Despite the fact that my credit is near perfect, that we own the house outright, that I’ve paid off two cars, that we pay off revolving debt monthly, we have just enough debt verses income that we don’t qualify. Our debt? Well, we’re paying off two cars and one credit card we pay off throughout the year that holds property taxes, insurance, and other pricey expenses. The loan would have been beneficial in that we could have gotten some needed home improvements done (the house is over ten years old and things are needing to be replaced) and some other personal expenses (like expensive dental work for B) done. But nope. Instead of being able to take care of stuff and be responsible and pay it off, we’re left with impending expenditures we don’t have the money for and further debt to incur. Good job, banks. Good fucking job.
In other news, I’ve had difficulty falling asleep, but I’ve been waking up sans alarm at like 7am. So, fall asleep somewhere in the neighborhood of 2-3am and then wake up at 7, despite my alarm being set for 8:30am. Yay! Okay, I think I’m done for today. More on Monday!